This was my favorite piece I was ever asked by the Hatchet to do. It didn’t run, online or anywhere else.
By Dudley D. Wright
One of the truly pleasurable aspects of my experience at GW thus far has been my opportunity to observe an ever-so-slightly foreign culture at work. Your “fraternity system” is something that we don’t have a parallel for up north of the border, so I’m trying to soak it all in while I’m down here in the land-of-no-Hockey.
As we reach the season where the sun begins to break through the bleak mid-Atlantic cloud barrier, we reach an event that I’ve come to truly enjoy as a casual observer of the American fraternity culture.
The Pike Fireman’s Challenge has taught me so much over the past three years about the way that you guys operate, and I think it’s worth sharing with you just a couple of things that I’ve learned from Pike FC thus far.
Charity is best gained with hoses and mud. Now, I was not aware of this, but apparently philanthropy is a big deal to Greek life. The events that they have correlate to some degree with raising money for good causes, and Pike FC is always a comparatively large success. This leads me to the conclusion that scantily-clad ladies, high pressure hoses, and copious alcohol is one of the best methods for successful philanthropy. Further, it disappoints me to realize that I will never be able to raise the money that Pike does with their event for burn victims because it is far too cold to hose down college-aged women in north Ontario. Apparently, there’s just no other way.
In addition, I’ve learned that industrial-grade firefighting machinery turns off the part of the brain that identifies misogyny. Some of the most well-reasoned and intellectually-empowered women I’ve met at GW thus far have been a part of the Greek system. So in my freshman year, when I first observed the Fireman’s Challenge, I was confronted with some cognitive dissonance: how could these self-identified modern feminists be fine with this level of objectification and sexualization? So, over the next couple of years, I treated it like an experiment. I isolated the variables–had conversations and interactions in a variety of locations, settings, and mental states and recorded my data. It seemed, after crunching the stats, that it was the presence of the heavy machinery on the firetrucks that made these empowered women fine with the outwardly misogynistic activity. After all, on any other day of the year this activity would be castigated and ridiculed by the very same hosed-down girls that day—it just had to be the firetrucks. Strange, I know, but that’s science for ya.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know what I’ve learned thus far, and to thank you for the ability to observe uninterrupted. It’s strange to me that no one is really trying to stop this, but I’m glad because it’s giving me so much material to work with.
Dudley D. Wright is from a town in north Ontario with dream comfort memory to spare
(Note: they didn’t run it. I wonder why.)