It’s December 31st, 2023–the year I un-fucked my life after the Law School/childhood dream fulfillment fiasco of 2017. Finances still not great, car still shit. But there’s a strange optimism for the future in my life right now–one not present since 2017, frankly.
Continuity and rupture are the objects of focus in this topic. A million little ruptures and one main continuity seems to be the state of human existence, but the specific ruptures and continuties with the past can be illuminating.
Continuity is easy enough to dispense with: I’m still Trevor, unfortunately. Spent roughly 3 years getting high and pretending this wasn’t the case, but getting out of the cooler definitely made that acceptance process easier. I’m this guy. I will change a bit more before dying, but this is what–who–I am. Still irony poisoned, still a wounded romantic at heart, still a wild-eyed revolutionary extremely uncomfortable with the realities of violence. A mess of contradicitons, in other words–that’s my continuity.
Ruptures?
I don’t work in a physical labor job anymore. I am slowly advancing on a career track (a rupture, in itself) that doesn’t involve my words or politics in the slightest (the more major rupture, to be honest). I have excised (hopefully) the ghost of my Big Bad Ex with a (frankly insane) transcription project.
So, what’s for next year? Quitting smoking is the first goal, in my book. New car after that. Then maybe I date again? Still feels kinda unfair to any potential romantic partner, but I have to get back out there, eventually, right? (No, you don’t; you CAN just die alone, many do.) Get back into listening to new music as it’s released? Well, let’s not shoot for the stars.
(Side note: “We Looked Like Giants” cover by Car Seat Headrest might be the only track released in 2023 I’ve listened to more than once. Hence: Song of the Year 2023.)
Maybe set a real goal for next year. (As though quitting smoking isn’t a major achievement.) Here’s one: one fiction piece published. You know you can do the polemic, the opinion, the historical analysis. That’s easy. Bare your soul, you coward.
The transcription process reminded you how much you amuse yourself with your rhetoric. So, just keep playing with yourself! You’ve been doing that since 2018 anyway, sad sack! (Ow, self. Ow.)
I guess this technically counts as a New Year’s Resolution post. Well:
1) Quit Smoking
2) Publish Something
3) Car?
4) (…Fine) Date Again
This seems eminently reasonable. Can’t wait to find out how I’ll fuck it up when I’m back here a year from now.